Martin H. Klein, Ph.D., Psychologist, Westport, Fairfield, Stamford CT
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​Martin H. Klein, Ph.D.
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Who Am I: The Paradox of Self-Identity

6/6/2025

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At some point in life, we all experience an identity crisis. Whether it is the college student who feels overwhelmed by the pressure to declare a major, the 50-year-old executive who no longer identifies with the role he’s spent decades building, or the adolescent girl trying to define herself through an Instagram post or a selfie. Struggles with self-identity can emerge at any stage of life. The moment we begin to separate from our parents, we are thrown into a complex social world that constantly challenges us to define and redefine who we are and who we should become. As Sartre (1957) observed, “Man is nothing else but what he makes of himself… Man is not something that is, but something that is to be” (p. 13). 
          
At birth, we are given a name. Whether you are named after a family member, a famous movie star, or a popular name on the internet, this baby naming ritual is one of the first steps toward becoming a defined self. That given name, printed on your birth and death certificates, becomes a lifelong label, persisting throughout life and beyond one’s existence.  After the fragile self begins its early childhood formation, the educational system—the agent and bearer of social norms and ideals—thrusts the child forward into the socialization process of becoming a recognizable and defined being in the world. Suppose a child is raised in a stable environment with secure and loving parental attachments. In that case, they are more likely to develop an integrated and resilient sense of self, eager and functionally able to enter the social order. In contrast, traumatic early experiences can give rise to a fragmented and fragile self, leaving the individual ill-equipped to meet the demands of society. As the psychoanalyst Otto Kernberg (1984) notes, such traumatized individuals will likely suffer from character flaws, resulting in unstable interpersonal relations and fragmented identities: “Failure to achieve this integration results in identity diffusion, a fragmented sense of self, and unstable interpersonal relationships (p. 17).
 In my practice, I sometimes see these sorts of patients who struggle with identity instabilities and unstable interpersonal relationships. Many appear to be floating through life, directionless, without knowing who they are or what they want to be. The analyst Carl Jung (1946) referred to such lost souls as the puer aeternus (Latin for “eternal boy”). These individuals psychologically do everything in their power to remain adolescent-like to avoid responsibilities, commitments, and perceived limitations, including being pinned down to a particular job, relationship, or identity. They are fragile and insecure, caught in a fantasy-driven longing to remain emancipated and free. They are often romantic idealists, full of grand visions for the future but with little progress to show in the present. The puer aeternus “protests against everything that would limit him, including the obligation to live in reality. He would prefer to remain wrapped in his dreams, far from the entanglements of the world” (Jung, 1964, p. 742).

The eternal child clings to their inner fantasies of false hope, where they can pretend to avoid self-definition and remain unconditioned and free. Tragically, they fail to realize that avoidance itself is a way of being in the world that is not only dysfunctional and paralyzing but ultimately the most limiting of all possible ways to be. They choose to live an impoverished existence, with no relationships, career, or purpose, all just to sustain the illusion of being free. These individuals seek treatment when they realize that their constricted existence is self-constituted, devoid of meaningful content, and a function of their maladaptive early childhood experiences of the world as an unpredictable and mistrusting environment.

  It is challenging to convince patients that their beliefs are ultimately maladaptive and self-defeating because there is always a kernel of truth to what they are saying. The question of who one is and who one is becoming lies at the core of our existential condition, the metaphysical tension between identity and freedom that, conceptually and symbolically, affects our everyday existence. Human beings yearn to be someone with an identity and, at the same time, remain a free agent. We desire to be a coherent and well-defined self, an identity that remains the same and consistent. We also value our freedom to make choices, transcend limitations, and redefine ourselves. However, the desire to fulfill these two metaphysical needs simultaneously is impossible, since they are at odds with each other. Identity requires boundaries—if A then not B—whereas freedom implies formlessness, the ability to transform and transcend. Is it possible to be both self-identical and free, or do these two existential demands fundamentally conflict, making it impossible to be a substantial identity with absolute emancipatory powers?

 We each try to resolve this existential paradox of identity versus freedom through various symbolic forms and rituals. The perfectionist who insists on immaculate order in every corner of the house, except for one kitchen draw, a chaotic little sanctuary where things are freely thrown in random order. The middle-aged man, firmly settled into his career and family, keeps a young mistress on the side, not for love, but to re-experience the freedom he once had as a young bachelor. The older conservative gentleman, who typically acts restrained, sings in a punk band under the cover of night, angrily shouting out obscenities. The high-powered CEO, who on the weekends slips into anonymity, lets her hair down, and goes clubbing, dancing unrestrained with strangers, well into the night. The authoritative husband who, in the privacy of the bedroom, desires to relinquish control and is dominated by his wife, whipped into uncontrolled submission. Or the overworked medical resident, who on the weekend slides down the ski slopes, experiencing the rush of temporary freedom.
 Each symbolic gesture, whether mundane or extraordinary, reflects the complexity of our existential  nature. As Yalom (1980) points out, human beings yearn to be somebody as well as a free agent: “The human being seems to have a deep need for ground, for structure, for something enduring to cling to. Yet at the same time, we long for freedom, for autonomy, for the exhilaration of leaving the ground and soaring” (p. 20).
             

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    Dr. Martin Klein is a clinical psychologist who practices in Westport, Stamford and Fairfield CT. He specializes in individual therapy, Couples counseling and executive coaching.

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Martin H. Klein, Ph.D., Psychologist,    Westport, Fairfield, Stamford, CT,    203-915-0601,   [email protected]
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